Looks like Toys R Us didn't get the memo

Got this in the mail the other day. Another perk of being a bereaved parent...

Yep, my little blondie should be turning 1 a week from tomorrow, December 19th. I put my energy into putting together a balloon release for him but the tears have definitely been rolling more frequently the last two weeks; it's to be expected. Nolan's birthday coupled with Christmas makes for an interesting holiday season but so far so good. It's not as horrible as I thought it was going to be.

I just gotta keep telling myself...
One. Day. At. A. Time.

I heart Shutterfly!

I have been using Shutterfly since Jacob was born back in 2005. I used them that same year to send out our 1st family Christmas card and I have been going back ever since! They make it so easy to make a fantastic Holiday card that you will be proud to send out to friends and family. In the last 5 years I have never, ever been disappointed with any Shutterfly product, especially their Holiday cards!

So, without further ado, I would like to show off some Shutterfly goodies that I will for sure be using this Holiday season!

I seriously cant decide between these two! It's either Naughty or Nice or Air Mail Wishes for me.

I think this year Im finally going to tackle a calendar for the Grammies. Im loving these NEW desk calendars. Very Sophisticated!

Psssst... Are you still listening? Well, if you are and you have a blog you're in luck! Shutterfly is giving away 50 FREE Chistmas cards to bloggers! What an amazing deal, right?! Click HERE for more info. 

Rain

We are having a rainy day today and I just LOVE it! I think rain gets a really bad wrap. Sometimes I feel like Im the only person who truly loves and embraces the rain! Rain is good!

To me there is almost nothing better than sitting in my cozy little house while listening to the rain outside. It's the perfect excuse to build a fire, light some yummie candles, pop in a movie and make yummie comfort food for dinner!

Im the mom who encourages her child to go out and play in the rain. Go jump in puddles! Go get wet! Go send leaves down the street in a rain made stream! Childhood is all about exploring and what better way to explore than in the rain?!

Dear Rain,
I love you.
Don't listen to what the others say about you.

Yours Truly,
Audra

A Baby Shower and Thanksgiving

So, since I last blogged both my baby shower and Thanksgiving past. Well, Thanksgiving was just two days ago so Im not that far behind, right?

My baby shower was on the 20th. We had a GREAT turnout! So much support from friends and family. It's awesome. Also, there were rainbows in the sky everywhere that day! The timing couldnt have been more perfect! A good friend of mine was able to snap a pic with her phone (arent those things just amazing these days???) and Im so thankful she did. It's a picture I will cherish forever.

Im finally letting myself truly get excited about this pregnancy and my little girl. I can not wait to meet her! Of course I still have my, "what if" days but excitement and joy are in the forefront of my mind and let me tell you, it is so refreshing!

Thanksgiving was nice. Just simple and relaxing -the way I prefer it! We went to my parent's house and feasted over there with my family and the in-laws. It was really nice! Jacob's favorite part is eating the olives Grammy puts out. What can I say? He is his mother's son.

Party Favors From the Baby Shower

A rainbow for my Rainbow Baby's, baby shower -Mommy loves you Nolan!

Halloween is Over?

Am I allowed to post a Halloween photo in November? Yah, I think so too.

So, Jacob is obsessed with Luigi. NOT Mario, Luigi. My brother got us a Wii last Christmas and ever since then it's been, "Uncle B! You be Mario, I be Luigi!!!" every time he sees him. It's the cutest darn thing. AND, it's the cutest darn thing that his uncle is a GREAT sport and graciously played his role as Mario this past Halloween.

Turning Negatives into Positives

As a bereaved parent one of the coping mechanisms you learn pretty quickly is turning negatives into positives. You have to. Your world becomes so surrounded with pain and sadness that if you dont figure out a way to cope with it you will have an extremely hard time accepting and moving forward with life. At least that's the way I see it.

As the end of September approached it became time for my husband to pull down the Halloween decorations. I went through them, happily encouraged that I actually felt like decorating. The last holiday I decorated for was Valentine's Day. In fact, a little red wooden heart I put out at the beginning of February still hung by the front door. I hung it just a few days before Nolan passed away.

After pulling out a few items I quickly came across something that made my heart sink. It was Nolan's trick or treating pumpkin. I had forgotten all about it. My mom had it made for him last year when I was still pregnant. It matched his big brother's. I grabbed it and held onto it and cried. My baby boy was never going to be able to use it. Then I looked at and almost became angry and annoyed with it. What nerve for this object to be sitting there waiting for me to find it and pull it out only to remind me that it was never going to be used.

Then I fought back. Dammit, I AM going to use it. In fact, Im going to put it out every year! There's no reason why my son's pumpkin should be shoved into a box to be forgotten about. Nolan is still part of our family's Halloween. He always will be! I then became happy to have it. Happy that I had something to put out for Halloween that was Nolan's.

Life is funny that way, ya know? We live day in and day out taking tomorrow for granted. Hell, we take next year for granted! We assume that spending tomorrow with the ones we love is always going to be there.

The only guarantee in life is that there are none.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week!

October 9th-15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week! On October 15th many will be lighting candles at 7:00 pm to honor the little ones taken way too soon.

There will be a candle lit in our home for our sweet Nolan.

A whole month!

What a bad blogger I am! Life has been crazy! But you understand because Im sure yours is too. Between birthdays (which I have been meaning to post for, umm, 3 weeks now) school for Jacob, school for ME, being pregnant, having the holidays quickly approaching which is oh so bittersweet this year, work and photoshoots, Im about 30 minutes away from a nervous breakdown. But hey, that's what makes life interesting, right?

We celebrated Jacob's 5th birthday on Saturday September 18th. Ohemgee. What a prefect day. And I have realized what a rad backyard I have. We got a bounce house / jump house, whatever the heck you want to call it and it fit perfectly with plenty of room to spare. Sweet!

School for Jacob still continues to have its ups and downs and is a lovely source of stress. Yay me! As for school for me I enjoy getting away and having some "me" time for a couple of hours every week even if it does mean sitting in a classroom. Im working on getting my Real Estate License. I figured I dont have enough to do!

Anyway, without further ado, may I present to you Jacob's 5th birthday, Toy Story style!

Beach Day!

We live 20 minutes from the beach and we dont take advantage of it nearly as often as we should! So, in honor of the "last day of summer" we went yesterday, Labor Day. The weather could not have been more perfect! It was beautiful. Remember that little thing about Jacob being obsessed with water? Well, needless to say he was in Jacob heaven after he ate his jelly sandwich of course.

Can I Get a Green Card?!

Woot, woot!

No, I am not talking about immigration. I am talking about the fact that my "young, non-listening" Kindergartner got his very first Green Card today at school! This is major news. This means my youngster got through the whole day without any infractions. Yay! I am beyond happy. This is a major improvement from last week. Exactly one week ago today when I went to pick him up he had made "buddies" with the principal, if you know what I mean...

Who knew how much joy a little green index card would bring to my life?! I just hope he keeps it up. Way to go Jacob, Mommy is SO proud of you!

Sugar and Spice...

So, Jacob is in school right now and Im trying to keep my mind from thinking about all the different things that can go wrong today (isnt that terrible?!) so I figured I would blog about, well, my Rainbow Baby who happens to be a little GIRL! We found out on Tuesday last week that we are going to have a daughter. I am very excited to have a little pink in my life and that my husband is going to have a little daddy's girl! I like to think that my angel Nolan had something to do with picking out our Rainbow Baby, so good job Bubbas! I hope that she will be as precious and beautiful as you are; as you will always be.

I have never really been a "pink" girl myself but oh my goodness I couldnt wait to get my hands on some sort of little, miniature sized PINK item! I have a feeling my house is going to look like Pepto Bismol threw up in it pretty soon.

I thought starting Kindergarten was supposed to be an exciting time?

Ohemgee. What a NIGHTMARE. I am one frustrated mom. My little guy is having a heck of a time transitioning into Kindergarten and it's so stressful. Lets just say I feel like I have a better relationship with the principal than I do the teacher. I mean, is this Stanford or Kindergarten? Im becoming confused. I know Kindergarten is not what it used to be, and honestly, I find that very unfortunate. I went to Kindergarten when it was about play and nap time and I think I turned out just fine!

Not to mention, Jacob falls into the, "late Summer (almost Fall), boy" category and for some reason that automatically means to redshirt, meaning to do two years of preschool. Well, you know what? Im not going to that. But here's the problem. So many parents redshirt that when my child comes along who is starting when he is SUPPOSED TO, he is already behind the bell curve simply because he is younger. The maturity level of an almost 5 year old can not be and should not be compared to the maturity level of an almost 6 year old but unfortunately it is. I would think that given the amount of child development courses these teachers had in college that it's something that would be known and practiced but from what I have seen so far it seems to be ignored (yes, I was a Liberal Studies major and I know a thing or two about this stuff).

He can count to 30 and spell his name but can he sit in a structured environment and listen for 5 hours? Umm, show me a 4, almost 5 year old who can and I will spend money on your parenting philosophy! Hell, I cant even do that and Im, well, older than 5.

Im not going to make excuses for my child, does he need to listen? Of course he does and he better but at the same time I am going to stand up for him and be his advocate. It is my job as a parent to not only correct improper behavior but to be in his "corner" as well. Children need guidance, love and support.

Well, enough about that. Lets end with a traditional "First Day of Kindergarten" photo, shall we?

Final Days of Summer

Jacob has a thing for water. He's obsessed. Some kids are into dinosaurs, my kid is into, WATER. When Grammy comes over to garden (my thumb is far from green) he LOVES to help. And by helping I mean getting completely soaked from head to toe. What can I say? That's how he rolls. Soak it up Jacob, summer days are coming to a close. Until next year that is!

What is a Rainbow Baby?

I see this asked a lot, especially on birth/baby forums because the term "Rainbow Baby" is used a lot on them. I dont know who wrote this. I found it on the internet and I just absolutely adore it. No other words explain it more perfectly than these words right here.

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, hope and love.

Life After Death

Wow. I almost forgot I had a blog. Well, I did forget that I had a blog to be honest. My last post was December 22, 2008!

I completely cleaned everything out. Im not sure if that's considered "cheating" or not but I am in SUCH a different place in my life now; the old blog did not represent me anymore AT ALL.

Im sure what little follwers I had before are gone now but that's OK. Im sure I'll manage to wrangle in a few new ones.

The last year and a half has been both wonderful and tragic.

Early 2009 I got a job and my family moved into an adorable little house in a fantastic neighborhood. One month later we found out we were expecting our 2nd baby. Busy and excited barely sum up 2009; it was a wonderful year. We ended it with the birth of our beautiful baby boy, Nolan. My older son, Jacob had a brother and our family was complete. Life was good. Life was darn near perfect.

Then 2010 came and sent my world into a tailspin.

February 8th was the worst day of my life. My husband and I woke up to every parents worst nightmare. After all best efforts were made we became a family minus one that day. It became the first day of my new life. My life as a bereaved mother. It's not a club you want to join. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

It has been one horrible journey but I have slowly started to pick up the pieces. I find doing things such as my photography and writing bearable again. Even healing. I must say the most healing thing for me though was getting pregnant with my Rainbow Baby. Getting pregnant again showed me a light that I thought was gone forever.

Im hoping that, maybe this blog will reach other bereaved parents and can be a source of understanding, comfort and encouragement for them. Journaling has been such a wonderful outlet for me while I have been on this bumpy ride. And since my love for photography crept back into my life I figured hey, why not combine the two and start up that old blog again?

So, here I am.